Drifting away...

I’m drifting away from everything. When a friend asks you how you have been, will you answer “I’m fine” just like I do? What does it mean? Are you really fine? Perhaps, it is just a standard answer. You are just answering for the sake of answering.

In the deepest of your heart, you are actually feeling not that well. But, you don’t want to let others know about it. Sometimes, being transparent is equal to endangering yourself. Not all the people around you or in this world, you can trust completely. No one is perfect. This is a broken down world. That’s why everyday you can help complains everywhere. It is just because of the imperfect people around.

Being too complaining is not healthy. Just a thought of it, who are you to judge others when you are imperfect. I have a friend like this & it is very irritating to always have to listen to all the complaining. Sometimes, I’m wondering when my friend can stop. I must learn to stop complain to.

“I hate this person.” “I don’t like this person.” What is the real reason behind that causes us to feel that way? Can it be because we don’t understand them well or just our another bias? It had happened to me. I ended up realized that it is not what I had thought it to be. Why not, let’s stop hating or disliking person so much?

Am I writing too much? I always have many thoughts in mind. There is even someone who told me that I talk too much. Ouch! That hurts! Is this really true? Anyway, it is only one person I don’t know much who told me this. That person is a very quiet person. I was just trying to get her to talk much. Unfortunately, I failed.

I told someone before that I like to write. The main reason that I like so much is because I have many thoughts in my mind that I have no where to release to. I can’t possibly share all with anyone else. Therefore, I choose to write everything down. At least I’m “sharing” it with the paper or computer. Next time, when you see me writing or typing, it can be I’m busy with my thoughts. :)

Great Shopping, Big Spending!

After CHCSA Orientation at Riverwalk, I decided to go shopping. It has been a donkey years since I last shopped. Today is just so incredible. I like this feeling, but money is never enough. Sigh... Sometimes I wonder if God can drop down from heaven a few hundred bucks for me, how great it can be! My "dream" is to have lots of money to eat, to shop, to do my hair, my nails & etc. to pamper myself. It is a dream. When can it comes to pass? (Some of my friends will surely ask me to go & find a rich guy as my boyfriend... hahaha... :P)

Before shopping, I went for a light lunch with Graz, her friend & her friend's daughter. It is an experience to talk to them. It is like a preparation for me as a cousellor-to-be. I'll cherish what I've seen today. Thanks Graz for the lunch as well. :)

My original purpose is to buy an eye brow liner, its sharpener & its comb. On the way, I saw sales, sales, sales & SALES!!!! OMG....! This is so tempting! As I walked past those stores, I couldn't help it to take a second look at the window display. Oh my, I've to control myself. "Low budget, low budget..." I kept telling myself.

Then, I walked to the door of "Charles & Keith". OH!!! I looked down at my spoilt shoes. I decided to walk in & take a look. In my mind, it immediately appears many thoughts.
"Should I buy casual shoes?" "Should I buy heels?" "Should I buy for the Wedding?" "Should I buy for work?" Ah.....! I was going crazy! What exactly should I buy for?? Finally, I made a decision. I bought a pair of very nice, classy, "high-class" black heels. Imagine how long does it takes for me to decide! (You won't believe it. I just can't make up my mind.)

Finally, I managed to go the store to buy my eye brow liner & etc. Just before I decided to head for home, I was thinking of trimming my badly trimmed eye brow by my mum. Therefore, I headed to "browhaus" at Raffles City. It was a nice experience there. The therapist & the receptionists were very friendly & had provided very good service. I know some ppl will surely say that they're doing this for business. But, without good service, how to have good business! Sometimes, consumers go for the service, not exactly the treatment/product. Please, please ppl... Stop saying that anymore! It is as if they're cheating you. No! This is just business.

A Good Day Shopping Indeed!

**200+ bucks harvest today:

• Eyebrow liner
• Eyebrow liner's sharpener
• Eyebrow liner's comb
• A pair of black heels (for the weddings to attend)
• Package for eyebrow & upper lip's threading (x10)(plus 50% for today's)

*"Don't misunderstood me. I'm not rich, nor I spending extravagantly. Neither am I lying about my "money not enough". All these spending was done under many thoughts & calculations & those are my needs. It is not easy, but I can't possibly always limit myself to the poverty mindset." -Christina Adalia

Last Day Rest At Home

I’m sick. I’m having flu. My body feels hot all over, but there’s no fever. I’ve body ache. My head feels heavy. My breathing is not like normal. My throat feels very dry. I feel tired. Perhaps it is a good time for me to rest.

I rested from Fri till now. Tomorrow is Monday! That’s what I don’t like. I don’t like Monday to come so soon. It only means that I’ve to go to work again. Recently, I’m feeling quite reluctant to go to work. But, for the sake of my school fee & my superior, I’ll continue to stay on. It is totally no fun at work now. There’s nothing for me to look forward to. May be this is the reason why. I planned to leave my current job in another one year or one year plus time. The reason for why I want to leave is not only to change a job, but to find a job that is related to my course so that it’ll be easier for me to find attachment during the attachment period. It is like a plan to prepare my path long before the graduation. I need to gain some experiences before I leave school to well prepare myself for the real world & to be more effective or efficient in my work.

“What is the real world? It is only when you go out there, then you’ll know.”
-Nana

What I’m having in mind:
v Build up my body to be healthier, more tone up & also to have a better stamina.
v Plan aside some money to buy clothes. (OS: I want to shop!! I need new clothes!!!)
v Keep my room always tidied up. (Neat & orderly)

Loneliness

An empty mind. An empty shell. A black space/room.
Everything is in darkness. What can I do?

I’ve been lonely for many years since young. I thought it could be a habit. I would just used to be alone. Then, I realized that this was not the case. Instead, I become very afraid of & dislike loneliness. I don’t like the feeling of being left out or neglected. Therefore, that explains why I’ve been an attention seeker for the past years. I search for recognition & company. Perhaps, I’ve enough of the loneliness at home. Due to age gap between my sisters & me, I’m always being outcast unintentionally. My sisters find no topic between them & me. I once asked myself why all these were happening to me. “Was my birth a mistake?” I asked. But, to be sure, this is definitely not a mistake! God created everything for a purpose. We never know how great the plan is that God had prepared ahead for us. We just have to learn to lean on Him.

I’m not trying to tell everyone that I’m spiritual, I’m an attention seeker, and I’m pathetic here. I just want to share something that is so real in life that I’ve experienced or I’m experiencing. Walking with God is not easy. It never was. Not even a verse or a word in the bible says so. It is always trials & tribulations that are mentioned. How cruel it is, but this is life. Without them, we can’t grow nor be moulded.

I wish to hear a voice speaking to me when I’m all alone in a quiet room. I wish to see a light when I’m in the darkness. I wish to see a hand stretching out to me when I’m lost. This is so real, so real! This is exactly what I’m feeling & going through. You believe it or not, I’m not perfect. Being a Christian is not being perfect but learning to change to be better & better, to have breakthrough upon breakthrough. If people wants to criticize Christians, do they ever think in what stand they are to judge us. Let anyone who is perfect & sinless, comes forward & judge! They’re not God. So, who are they to judge?! There will be times that we will feel so injustice. This is life & is a fact that we’ve to recognize. We can’t be naïve to think that we’re going to live like a saint without any problem, sadness, disappointments & etc. in life. This is not the truth.

In God, we need to first acknowledge & know ourselves. Knowing who we are in God is a very important key in life. Without knowing, we’re just nothing. Just like we don’t know how to use a cell phone, the cell phone will become useless. The reason is the cell phone can’t release its potential as a cell phone. Therefore, it becomes dead. We don’t want to be that cell phone, do we?

In prayer:
God… Comes & heals us once again. Come & fill this place with your presence that comforts the souls. Lord… Without you, we’re nothing. Come & release the potential in us. Guides us, leads us, oh Lord…

Officially An UniSIM Student

Difficulties in Vocal exercises

Learning to sing is not easy. I’ve learnt for quite some time already. Due to busyness, I’ve many long breaks in between. Currently, I’m taking lesson with my teacher fortnightly. Though I’ve some improvements in my vocal so far, but it is still not good enough. I feel my progress is small. Although I know it can’t be rushed, but I’m quite anxious about my progress. Sometimes I can feel frustrated that I’m not progressing very well. In fact, I find it very difficult to master even the basic. For now, I’m still not controlling my vocal well. It is like very “messy” everywhere. How am I supposed to see myself sings well one day with this kind of progress now? I’m quite disappointed about my progress. Yet, I can’t blame anyone else. It is just very difficult to discipline myself to do vocal exercises daily. It is definitely not easy. To think you’ve many things to do, you’ve to leave house early in the morning & come home late. Sometime, you just feel too tired to do anything when you reach home. It is really a time that I need to fight with my flesh a lot. It is a lot of struggles. “Why am I not doing it?” “Why am I not able to do it?” Lots of, lots of questions go round inside my mind. How long more do I need to take to get the basic well? How long do I need to take? Oh….

“Learning the bad habits is so easy & fast! Learning the right habits is so difficult & slow!”

Looking For My Calling

[Above Picture was taken at the end of GDOP 2009]

Without realizing it, I've been singing in the choir for 5yrs+ (2003 Yr End Audition, Serving 2004-Present) already. Years have passed, I've grown older. What should I do next? Am I going to just stay in the choir for another 5yrs? I guess not. Perhaps it's time for me to move on.

Firstly, I need to train up my vocal to sing "comfortably", using the right breathing, right placement, good projection & etc. Then, perhaps when the next BV (Backup Vocalist) Audition comes, I'll sign up for the last time. I feel that I won't want to try again after the past two times. Let's make this a last try. If I fail again, I just move on. I may leave choir & go on to pursue something that is really what I want to do. Of course, what God wants for me.

Some people asked me whether I had thought of becoming a choir IC or Helper. My answer to them was a "N-O-" No. It is not really about whether I like being one a not but, it is just not my calling. I don't see myself being one. & some asked me whether I thought of becoming a CGL. Hmmm.... I thought of it before. I had seen a vision on that years ago. But till now, I'm still not so sure whether I am going to be one. I found myself having many inefficiency in certain areas. & that itself is quite discouraging already. Thank God for the friends who actually spoke words of encouragement to me to be a CGL! That's sweet though... Dev, what you had shared, I thought of it before. Do I say "here I am, God send me" & everything will be done? I think it is really not easy. I want to stay by my CGL's side to learn something from her. There are some of things in me that I had lost & I want to get it back now! H.S., teach me, guide me please...

Hey, I don't mind being a Choir trainer! "Hire me, hire me!" hahaha.... :P

It is only people outside the situation will see things clearer. So, I'll be of great help, isn't it? :D

Whatever it is in the future, I'm looking forward to it! Life is so full of adventures & hopes!!!

-Enjoy life to the Max!-

"Ppl change, I want to change too! For the better! Cheers!"

-Nana

Days After SOT 2007

SOT in 2007 was great! I've received much training, knowledge, visions & etc.

Yesterday, talking with one of my frenz was great. Brings back a lot of memory....
Great to know that we're doing well after the graduation.
Actually, SOT is a good training ground. REal challenge is outside. This is what I'm facing through now. I'm very challenged coz I haven't overcome my particular weakness.
Thank God that God is so great to let me know what it is. He gives me revelations, visions & encouragements... I love it man... God really really never will forsakes you! He never!
That's what I have experienced consistently! How can be fake?! It is real! So real in your eyes!

Thank God! I'll keep walking, walking & walking through the valleys to the mountains, through the valleys to the mountains.... mountains to mountains... :)

*I realize it is after the graduation, into the world, that I learnt even more. Bcoz this is the time when you're no longer sheltered but facing everything all 'alone'. Things learnt are to be used & apply onto life. A time when you are really challenged & moulded. Then, you'll sing "no longer I~ but Christ in me~" hahaha.... :P

Great to had been in SOT!!!! Greatly encouraged everyone else to go SOT! :) It is an experience that you'll never imagine!!! It is life changing period. A time when transition takes place b4 you go on to another level! *Experiences differ according to each individual! :)*