Despite the fact that I may not look like, I am actually very lonely. I am afraid of being lonely because I had it too much already. That’s why I am easily an attention seeker. Even till now, I think I am still seeking for attention, may be not as much as in the past. In my heart, there’s this corner which is very lonely & insecure. I am always longing for someone to fill it in. But, no one comes. My family, my close friends… I feel very sad, rejected, disappointed easily when I start to think that I have hope in someone who can fill up that corner. I feel I really can’t help it but to think too much of a certain things. I really want to stop all this. I am very tired. My heart is tired. I wait & wait, & nothing happens. I am thinking why I can’t be just all alone instead of having hope in others that gives disappointments only. I can do all things alone. It is freer this way. Perhaps, I was being neglected too often since young that I am feeling this way now. I believe I felt I am very insignificant in the past. That’s what caused the low self-esteem in me. God can come in & fill it but, not just that. I need to do something about it to overcome. What do I need to do?
“Please, please, if you can, please love me more! Don’t let me go! Never leave me behind alone! Please don’t!!!!!”
I used to be a very low self-esteem girl. I often stayed late at my friend's house & never want to go home early. When I received my PSLE results, it was not good. I was afraid I would be scolded by my mum. I was disappointed with myself. I thought I could get more than 200 aggregate marks which was also a target my form teacher that time had set. I felt I had let my teacher down. I felt I really didn't want to go home & faced all the things. I hid myself in my best friend's house & played. My mum searched high & low for me. She called all my friends.
Finally, when I reached home, she kept asking me for my results. I didn't want to share it with her. I thought I could trust my second sister. So, I told her. But, she ended up telling my mum about it. I guessed she couldn't stand her pressing in that time. I couldn't blame her. But, she had lost my trust for her. Eventually, I became very lonely. I felt I couldn't trust anyone at home. There was no one to talk to either. I felt very trapped. I felt very hurt & sad. I couldn't believe a home could be like that.
Through my second sister, I started writing the diary. I wrote all my feelings & thoughts in there. I even drew some pictures inside. (Remember I was still a primary school student.) That was a channel for me to frustrate out my feelings blotted inside.
When I was in secondary school, matters worsen. I realized friends couldn't help me, writing diary couldn't help me. I became very short tempered. I couldn't stand a bit of my mum's nag. I couldn't stand a bit of my elder sis always so fierce to me, always saying all kinds of hurting & discouraging words. I couldn't stand my mum being controlling. I couldn't stand my elder sis being controlling unreasonably. I couldn't stand anything! I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle all those emotions I had. I got into depression.
I couldn't handle anything. I didn't understand why even small matters, I could be scolded. It seemed like everything I did I would be scolded. Nothing I did was right. To them, I was just a wrong wrong wrong! My sis shouted at me. My mum scolded & nagged at me. There were many times I slammed the door behind me to try to avoid them. I put my hands on my ears to try not to listen to the noises. I banged my head to the wall, trying to release the pain in my heart. I tried all things but they all didn't work! I cried, & I cried, & I cried non-stop. & they just didn't care. Sometimes, my elder sis even shouted outside the room to ask me to stop crying. I mean I was so sad, so hurt. That was the only way I could do at that time to release my feelings out. She asked me to stop?? Was she crazy?! I even had to cried into my pillow because of her.
There were times I stood in front of the small balcony where we hang our clothes. I was thinking if life was like that, so meaningless, why should I be still living in this world. I thought of jumping down from that 12 storey(my house). In the end, due to lack of boldness, I didn't do it.
At that time, I felt I was not loved by my family at all. Every one of them ignored me. Not one, had given me the attention that I had needed. All I had received was just rejections & hurting words. There was lots of struggles in me. I thought ending my life will end all these things. I thought.
Then, I thought I should live stronger to show them, without them, I could still be better! With this, I lived on. Although the same things continued again & again, but at least I still lived on. It could be also because I had dreams unfulfilled yet.
Years later...
I was in poly yr 1. The school just started. I met a friend coincidently consistently for one week at the bus interchange when I was on the way to school. She encouraged me to go to church. (That time I wore a cross quite often which caught her attention.) I was encouraged & I called my another friend that night as my friend(who encouraged me) is a Catholic. & that weekends, I attended church & received salvation at the altar call held by Pst Tan.
I didn't know why. I felt extremely relieved & safe at that time. I felt very refreshed & felt hope in my life. That night, I slept very peacefully first time in my life! I never had that feeling before! From that day onwards, I went to church week after week, week after week. & it continued till today, I am still attending church. I was even graduated from SOT in 2007! Oh my! Thank God for all that!
If without God, I can't be who I am today. I may even not be writing this story at all. My life now has become fruitful. I know what I want to do & I am pursuing it. I see my dreams fulfilled one by one every year. I am simply very happy. I am no longer that low-self esteem, but a more confident woman now. I am even more optimistic than ever. I even have the ability to encourage & help other people who is in need!
Most importantly, my depression is gone! Ever since I had attended church, my mindset has changed. I become more & more positive in life. I am gladful for all the beloved CG members who were with me during my difficult times, even though they may not know what important role they had played in my life at that time. I felt love from the CG & became more open to people. I learnt how to express myself better. I even become more & more sociable with people! That is so amazing! I can't imagine that I can do that! I was so introvert last time! My smile has become more. It is more natural. I do not need to fake it at all.
After knowing God, I started to believe that surely nothing is impossible. I took my O'level English again that year, & I scored B3 from a D7!!!! Because of that belief, & I pressed on & I had made a miracle for myself! I also thank God for all my CG members who had prayed for me & given me the support.
I tell you. I can't live without God! Without Him, I won't know how interesting & fun life is! Without Him, I won't find release & peace! Without Him, I won't be who I am today! Without Him, life has never be the same! I thank God I am still living! Thank God for saving me! Thank God for given me a new life despite my incompleteness & imperfectness! All glory to God! :)
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