Reading through some of the posts I wrote in the past is actually interesting. The thoughts I had, the feelings I had and the things I had been through way before I got together with him & broke up after that. Those were the times when I was so in love with and yet kept being hung in the air by him. We were neither here nor there. I can't believe it that it had been 2 years. It feels like I had been with him for 2 years or may be at least I had loved him for 2 years. He once told me that it was unfair to bring up the 2 years we had been "trying" together, to him as he couldn't make up his mind and reciprocate my love then. It was always hot & cold, hot & cold, like going through a roller coaster ride. My heart was so tired when coming to the 1 year plus mark. Eventually, I "gave up" in the mid of last year after I finally plucked up my courage to ask him what situation we were in now. All he could reply me is that we were neither here nor there, not heading anywhere! I was so disappointed & sad that I broke into tears in my room after reading the text. It was only slightly better when my best friend, Melvin managed to persuade me out of my house to meet him, Gera & Joshua. I was really very sad at that time. My tears were just so hard to control. I tried very hard to look strong in the front. When I thought I had done very well in that, I cried again when Mel sent me home that night.
After that day, I stopped texting him, meeting him and having any contacts with him. I literally didn't bother him anymore, hoping that I could get over it as soon as possible. I buried myself in my work as a PA to one of the celebrity, working 24/7 non-stop. It was a crazy period for me. Never did I know, it was just such a super bad decision that I had made. It ended up affecting me psychologically and causing me to withdraw from my internship with SCS due to my condition which caused me not able to take up cases.Everything was just in a mess. I was really messed up. I hated myself to be like that. Because of the work, I lost all my social life with my friends. I missed meeting my friends, going out, going to church & CGM sometimes, time with my family and etc. Basically, I had no life. I was just all alone, buried in my work(Note: I work alone most of the time.).
It only got better when some of my friends started to make effort to visit me at my office, bringing foods to me, meeting me out for dinner and so on. It was then, I slowly moving out of that unbalanced life I had. Then, he started to date me out again. Then, the next thing you know we were together.
That day he asked me to be his girlfriend, I thought I was the happiest girl in the world because I finally be with the one I had loved for 1 year plus! It was like finally! I can remember the hints he was dropping before he popped the question, the video content he showed me in his car and the song "1,2,3,4, I love you" by Plain White T. he played on his iphone for me. There are so much of the memories with him. All the things he had done for me, said to me and things we did together. Till now, I still miss him but I can't love him anymore. Because the reason that we broke up and the way he handled the relationship at that time, is too disappointing to me. I couldn't handle it. I cried for a few months. I felt betrayed and hurt. I couldn't understand why he did that to me. I didn't know whether I should believe he actually ever liked me before, even a bit. I felt so unappreciated, taken for granted and demoralize of myself. He made me feel like I was nothing. Everything I did was wrong to him.
He refused to share with me what he felt when the thing was happening, but chose to burst it all out at one go. He gave me the reason that if he were to tell me I did this and that not right, not good enough, I would feel very demoralized. But, if he don't share, how would i know?! This is simply just so unhealthy. Where is the communication he is always talking about that we need to have in the relationship? All you were feel at that time was just craps. This guy was just so crap!
He told me that we could still be friend after broke up. To me, this is just so crap! After so much things that he had done to me, he expects me to still be friend with him? I had given him chances but he didn't cherish it. Well, he can't blame me for not talking to him anymore or being a friend to him anymore. Everything is now awkwardness only. It is difficult, very difficult to be friend again. If it had not been for that particular reason, may be we can be still friend. May be and may be only. He is just not respecting the relationship. That's all I can say.
One of my friend told me this. He said that all that I had left now with is no longer the feeling for him(my ex), but memories only. When I heard this, I felt so sad and couldn't understand why we had to come to this stage? *Unexplainable*
Well, it had been a few months since the broke up. There is nothing else I can say about this anymore. I shouldn't be bother by it anymore. I pray to GOD that he will give me someone a million times better than him to make me proud! I do not want to live the rest of my life to be with this crap person and suffer! I guess he is not ready to settle down yet in his heart. He wants to settle down and has a family of his own, but he can't love just one in his heart at the moment. I wonder when he will learn his lesson. Haiz.... *Shoudn't bother* *Disappointments only*
I guess this post will help to answer many of the questions which many of my friends wanted to ask me about. Don't worry, I'm feeling much better now. Thank you for all the friends who had been through with me during this period of time! You guys had played a very important role at this point of my life! I'm truely blessed! I'm single again! Woots~ :)
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