失落

对于他，我没有什么好说的了。实在太失望了。会遇到更好的吗？总觉得没有希望。找什么？这个人根本都不存在着，可能都还没有出现！ 我不知道。我还不能完全放下对他那两年的感情吧。现在的我显得比还没有谈过恋爱的人更寂寞了。很多时候，看着别人幸福地在一起，我变得特别失落。神啊，我该如何度过这个难关？！前男友留下的，除了回忆，就是背叛与伤害与不在乎！即使我多么想挽回这份感情，我想也不可能了。他如果真的在乎我，就不会这样对我了。或许现在的他已找到新对象了吧。我对他来说始终不重要，他也不在乎。或许他根本都不曾爱过我吧。我被留着一个人哭泣，面对这一切。一个不可能挽回的了的人，他的心我也抓不到。只剩下没有选择。我就那么傻。我的爱是真的，可惜他不懂得珍惜！好难过，好孤单哦！:(

难过加难过

我觉得好难过哦。他的好友尽然又再次的暗示我去找别的男生！难道他已在追别的女生？我是不该懂的。我想我也最好不懂比较好。叫我去找别的男生？现在不可能，也很难好不好？！说找就找？以为我是谁啊？大概是空等的吧。经过这一次后，哪敢？我并没有做错什么事，却被这样欺负，并且背叛！你是要我怎么想？我怕了。我累了。我绝望了。大概命是如此吧。孤单地过。没有任何的希望。我看不到前方。根本不会有什么可能。我觉得我不应该这样被对待。可是，我又很喜欢他！好傻哦！我尽然还喜欢他。即使他如此地对待我。我心里明白我们是根本不可能再在一起了。他或许根本都不曾爱过我或真心对待这份感情吧。自信心完全被他给击垮了。他让我觉得我什么都不是！烂男人！逊毙！哎~ 我该如何是好？眼前根本都看不到任何的希望。就这样被抛弃了！神啊！我的命就该如此吗？我不相信！难过！该死的！我喜欢他那么久，他最后竟是这样对我！ 不能老是逃避自己的感受。有时，剖开心来说会对自己比较好。不是什么都是自己的错的！有些人就是这样该死！

I'm Back!

I just remembered I've a blog! It had been so long since I last signed in to my blog. It is quite a little surprise that there are actually people leaving messages in my chat box. Thank you~ I will try to write again. ;)

Reading through some of the posts I wrote in the past is actually interesting. The thoughts I had, the feelings I had and the things I had been through way before I got together with him & broke up after that. Those were the times when I was so in love with and yet kept being hung in the air by him. We were neither here nor there. I can't believe it that it had been 2 years. It feels like I had been with him for 2 years or may be at least I had loved him for 2 years. He once told me that it was unfair to bring up the 2 years we had been "trying" together, to him as he couldn't make up his mind and reciprocate my love then. It was always hot & cold, hot & cold, like going through a roller coaster ride. My heart was so tired when coming to the 1 year plus mark. Eventually, I "gave up" in the mid of last year after I finally plucked up my courage to ask him what situation we were in now. All he could reply me is that we were neither here nor there, not heading anywhere! I was so disappointed & sad that I broke into tears in my room after reading the text. It was only slightly better when my best friend, Melvin managed to persuade me out of my house to meet him, Gera & Joshua. I was really very sad at that time. My tears were just so hard to control. I tried very hard to look strong in the front. When I thought I had done very well in that, I cried again when Mel sent me home that night.

After that day, I stopped texting him, meeting him and having any contacts with him. I literally didn't bother him anymore, hoping that I could get over it as soon as possible. I buried myself in my work as a PA to one of the celebrity, working 24/7 non-stop. It was a crazy period for me. Never did I know, it was just such a super bad decision that I had made. It ended up affecting me psychologically and causing me to withdraw from my internship with SCS due to my condition which caused me not able to take up cases.Everything was just in a mess. I was really messed up. I hated myself to be like that. Because of the work, I lost all my social life with my friends. I missed meeting my friends, going out, going to church & CGM sometimes, time with my family and etc. Basically, I had no life. I was just all alone, buried in my work(Note: I work alone most of the time.).

It only got better when some of my friends started to make effort to visit me at my office, bringing foods to me, meeting me out for dinner and so on. It was then, I slowly moving out of that unbalanced life I had. Then, he started to date me out again. Then, the next thing you know we were together.

That day he asked me to be his girlfriend, I thought I was the happiest girl in the world because I finally be with the one I had loved for 1 year plus! It was like finally! I can remember the hints he was dropping before he popped the question, the video content he showed me in his car and the song "1,2,3,4, I love you" by Plain White T. he played on his iphone for me. There are so much of the memories with him. All the things he had done for me, said to me and things we did together. Till now, I still miss him but I can't love him anymore. Because the reason that we broke up and the way he handled the relationship at that time, is too disappointing to me. I couldn't handle it. I cried for a few months. I felt betrayed and hurt. I couldn't understand why he did that to me. I didn't know whether I should believe he actually ever liked me before, even a bit. I felt so unappreciated, taken for granted and demoralize of myself. He made me feel like I was nothing. Everything I did was wrong to him. 

He refused to share with me what he felt when the thing was happening, but chose to burst it all out at one go. He gave me the reason that if he were to tell me I did this and that not right, not good enough, I would feel very demoralized. But, if he don't share, how would i know?! This is simply just so unhealthy. Where is the communication he is always talking about that we need to have in the relationship? All you were feel at that time was just craps. This guy was just so crap! 

He told me that we could still be friend after broke up. To me, this is just so crap! After so much things that he had done to me, he expects me to still be friend with him? I had given him chances but he didn't cherish it. Well, he can't blame me for not talking to him anymore or being a friend to him anymore. Everything is now awkwardness only. It is difficult, very difficult to be friend again. If it had not been for that particular reason, may be we can be still friend. May be and may be only. He is just not respecting the relationship. That's all I can say.

One of my friend told me this. He said that all that I had left now with is no longer the feeling for him(my ex), but memories only. When I heard this, I felt so sad and couldn't understand why we had to come to this stage? *Unexplainable*

Well, it had been a few months since the broke up. There is nothing else I can say about this anymore. I shouldn't be bother by it anymore. I pray to GOD that he will give me someone a million times better than him to make me proud! I do not want to live the rest of my life to be with this crap person and suffer! I guess he is not ready to settle down yet in his heart. He wants to settle down and has a family of his own, but he can't love just one in his heart at the moment. I wonder when he will learn his lesson. Haiz.... *Shoudn't bother* *Disappointments only* 

I guess this post will help to answer many of the questions which many of my friends wanted to ask me about. Don't worry, I'm feeling much better now. Thank you for all the friends who had been through with me during this period of time! You guys had played a very important role at this point of my life! I'm truely blessed! I'm single again! Woots~ :)